Wavering Faith...God continues to shape me!

Wow... I guess I kind of forgot about my blog for a long time!  Life is busy... and I had to let some things go for a while, but I am excited to be back!!!  God has been doing some amazing things in my life, but some of it has been extremely painful! BUT OH SO FREEING!  It has been wonderful shaking the heavy, constraining chains loose!!!  (It makes me think of that song by Mandisa...Shackles) I have never felt more free and at peace in my life than I do right now!  Part of that is because I have FINALLY let go and started the process of forgiving...totally forgiving!  God has given me the strength to look at the woman I have been forced to share my boys with (my ex husband's girlfriend) as a blessing to me and the boys!  I am so thankful that she treats them with nothing but love and kindness.  She watches over them and protects them, just as I would.  God even nudged me to share this with her and to apologize with her for any unfriendly body language vibes I have sent her.  Really.. yep.. very humbling and difficult to do.  I am thankful God provided me with the opportunity and courage to do so.  It is part of what has set me free and is completing the healing process!  But that isn't all God has asked me to do lately...The next thing I knew... God was tugging at me one more time to give him the last thing I was holding onto: ..... (read on to discover this)

I am so tired of being a single parent.  It is TIRING, truly EXHAUSTING, and CHALLENGING.  I don’t want to be a single parent anymore.  Frankly, they’re days I just want to crawl in bed and stay there.  I lack the energy to keep up with all of it.  (picking up, cleaning, laundry, BILLS…) It is such a difficult task to do alone.  I must remind myself of  Is. 40:31 and pray it over me: But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.  This past week I was really struggling thinking I could be doing this (the job of a single parent) for the next five, ten years, or so.  The thought of that makes me ……feel like I am drowning in my own tears.  I have no doubt that I can do it and be a great parent for my boys, but I DON’T WANT TO.  (Imagine me saying this like a two year old throwing a major temper tantrum on the floor kicking and screaming the entire time!) I know that it isn’t about what I want.  I need to die to self… and surrender ALL to God.  It is so difficult for me to let go of my one true desire of my heart….finding a godly man to join our family.  I know God knows my desires, my soul, my struggles, and my weakness.  I know that He promises to be my encourager, my cheerleader, my daddy, my husband, my STRENGTH.  I know He will be there for me no matter what may come my way.  I thank Him for that and for ALL THAT HE IS.  Which leads me to the last thing God was asking me to hand over to him..... I needed to lie down my heart’s desire at His feet.  I needed to let go and trust God with it. As I laid it down I was reminded of Psalm 103:5 “who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s wings” Psalm 37:4  “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” He knows what is best for me and my boys.  I know this is going to be a DAILY battle.  A battle where I will need God to fight for me on my behalf EVERYDAY!  I thank God for giving me the strength to let go of sharing my boys with unnamed girlfriend.  I was able to let go of that because of GOD AND THE STRENGTH HE GAVE ME!  I need to lean on God again as I lay this down.  I know I will want to pick it back up every day, every hour, and possibly every MINUTE.  BUT….I can’t do that.  I need freedom.  I have tasted freedom and know what it feels like.  I can’t imagine complete freedom.  This is the last thing I have been holding onto.  I have had a strong hold on it….and have been stubborn in letting it go. (again..imagine a two year old hugging tight to a toy he/she doesn't want to share!) I have feared letting it go.  I have been scared to give it to God.  Fearful that if I gave it to Him….my worst nightmare would come true (being alone my whole life) You know the crazy old lady who lives next door with 10,000 cats!  Yep!  I can’t live with that fear dangling over my head anymore.  It isn’t my life.  My life is a gift…a gift God has given me and I need to entrust it to Him!  For He knows the plans He has for me….plans to prosper me..give me a hope and a future.  Not to harm me.  He knows what is best for me.  He knows the right time and what I can handle.  So, when I attempt to pick this back up and try to regain control, (which I will) God needs to nudge me. He will need to remind me to let go and trust Him with it.  God just reminded me last night who He is…all of His attributes.  How can I not let go?  How can I not trust God?  Why would I tangle with this raging bull, when He can tame it and give me freedom.  TRUE FREEDOM!  I want to enjoy every day to the fullest and enjoy what He has given me.  I don’t want to always be grasping at the future for what I hope for.  I want to enjoy the moment…live for the moment.  Live for God AND Him ALONE.  I WANT MY ROOTS SECURE IN HIM.  MY IDENTITY WRAPPED UP IN GOD, MY CREATOR!  He made me, He knows I like to be in control and that I don’t like waiting. (anyone who knows me at ALL...knows this to be extremely true!) God knows this is a struggle for me and a difficult challenge.  It will be hard to obey.  I want to be obedient and I am ready to be obedient, but I can’t do it in my own strength.  God will have to help me and hold me up when I waiver.  God will have to help me let go of my biggest fear…growing old alone to become the old cat lady.  I can feel the Holy spirit nudging me to act…  It is time to let go, forgive, and look forward.  I must keep pressing forward and put my hope in God.  His timing is perfect….I  must believe that and hold onto it!  My thoughts are not your thoughts.  My ways are not your ways!  I need to only stand firm, be still, wait on Him…and KNOW THAT HE IS GOD!

Someone once told me, "Don't put God in a box!"  Good advice!!  God can and will do the impossible!!!  Mark 10:27 “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God!”